There’s no title no way to begin

I have so many words to say without knowing how to begin. I wish the days would go by faster and then I’d be able to fit my pinkie in the cleft of your chin .I have had days where the mere thought of your face sends me back to my happy place .I don’t wish for a miracle and I don’t need a perfect ending, All I want is you and your amazing ness and flaws that  could intertwine with my own messy inconsistencies ,  then maybe we would be flawed together but perfectly happy. We’d be complete and content with each other, without the glare of a missing awkward puzzle piece.

I catch myself before  I’m in too deep. I don’t want to get too attached. I fear that you’d be overwhelmed and  I won’t hear from you again. I fear tomorrow you’d drop the I’m not ready for a relationship talk , only to catch another girl’s face sitting a little too close to yours just a few weeks after. I dread the day when you realize that you can’t see me in your future.

I am scared that being with you would make me lose all sense of purpose and I’d have to give up on everything I’d ever dreamt of and worked hard for.

I suppose that that’s the problem with young ish people these days. So self absorbed and obsessed with the worst case scenario that we fail to truly take a chance .

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

If they ask, this is what I’ll say.

I suppose I could start with  the way he shyly looks down,smiling to himself after I kiss him on the cheek.It’s that boyish reaction that makes me go for a quick innocent peck on the cheek instead of a full on pounce on his lap . The deadpan face as he makes another sarcastic joke that to someone else  would be considered offensive but to me,it shows he’s been paying attention to the details in our conversation. He talks about his family issues and how he wants to run away from all the poor little rich boy drama and live as a street performer,although he’s not entirely certain of what act to use as entertainment in exchange for spare change. Not that he’d actually go through with this sudden need to be spontaneous,he’s already mapped out how the next few months of the year should be for him and he will follow through with steadfast commitment. But I enjoy listening nonetheless,just picking out his brain and analysing his character. Seeing the world through him is something I never thought I would end up enjoying. He says I offer a different sort of insight,how I make him turn the lense around and see things from his parents’ point of view whenever there’s that inevitable disagreement again.He is defensive and stubborn by nature,it is at this point I feel lucky to be as patient as I am and and remind him that I’m always on his side, I only want him to see things from the opposing side so that at least,there can be better understanding. I haven’t met his parents, and as rare as it may sound I honestly cannot wait to do it. To see the mould that shaped the man I’m slowly falling in love with deconstruct everything I thought I already knew about him. And then he and I will sit and have a thorough debrief about how it went and what will we do next.I know couples say this a lot and it’s a well worn cliche,but I truly believe we make a great team.

Where he is the meticulous planner with a clear set of goals, I am the one with the analytical mind.I like living in the moment and observing and adjusting according the present.

I guess you could say he makes an endless lists,and I tick them off with description and notes underneath each.

Getting distance

I grew up believing my parents were heroes.They could do nothing wrong and I couldn’t wait to grow up and give back to them. I recognized the sacrifice,the hard work and the determination to see their children have everything they could only have dreamed of as children.

Like most teenagers, I questioned a lot of things. I wouldn’t say I was a rebel not by a long shot. I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 22 and was too petrified of what smoking would do to my looks to even go near a cigarette, let alone try what I can only assume are hard drugs. The things I did question had a lot to do with a religion called Islam.

This is where I should let you know that I was raised TO BE A MUSLIM . So my religious questions naturally,would be mainly concerning Islam.

Like if I was supposed to  have faith that God will help me,then why were we expected to pray five times a day to reach out to this God and ask for help,wasn’t it an assured thing?

Why are women expected to cover themselves with the exception of hands and face whereas men are free to wear whatever they like as long as they cover between the navel area to the knees? And why is it that when a female is raped,the blame is all on her wearing something she wasn’t supposed to or being somewhere she didn’t belong..Why wasn’t the blame ever put on the male who I’ve always felt got away with the act of raping.

And there’s the question of the quran and if it is the word of god himself then why didnt god himself make prints and not people making money off of printing these copies?

Aren’t all these legitimate questions?

How are you convinced that some holy book is what it is when there’s thousands of years of between then and now. And don’t get me started on the 72 virgins of heaven awaiting the men who die in the name of islam. How sexual is this religion really?

Unfortunately once I tell my family of my reservations I would be sure that these questions would not be taken lightly..I would be labelled apostate for daring to ask. I suppose I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

But I refuse to continue living a lie.

 

NV

I’m beautiful she’s stunning. I’m witty she’s fascinating. I’m smart,she’s brilliant.

Who am I kidding,I could never top her.

 

 

So there’s this guy

Firstly i feel obligated to say that I have never been the type to be needing a relationship .I’m content being single and the way things are going at the moment in my life, I wouldn’t think it would be fair to bring a clueless male in the midst of it all.

I’ve done the online dating thing but to be honest,it was just a distraction and I didn’t have any high hopes of pursuing a relationship through that medium.

And then I started speaking to A .He goes to the same uni as I do and convinced me that it’s a good thing when all I wanted was to hang out with a guy who wasn’t currently at uni to find some sort of balance.

I did tell him upfront how I’m in no position to be in a relationship and he is better off dating someone else. Well,I suppose most of you can guess that me saying all of this only led him to want to hang out with me even more. I suppose it’s the chase or however else its called.

I remember feeling the awkwardness in the car after a first date with people I meet online,but with A there’s none of that.We can talk about all sorts of random things and seem to agree on a whole lot of them as well. I actually enjoy heavy traffic when I’m with him because it means we get to talk longer. That’s a good sign,right?

He’s even been very caring and willing to listen to me talk about all of my problems.But we haven’t had ‘the talk’ yet if we’re ever going to. I don’t know how I will feel about it and what will we decide on .

I must admit I get jealous inside when he admits to talking to other girls on the dating website,in my head I imagine punching that ugly fat tramp he’s talking to even if my exterior is all cool calm and collected.I’m sure she’s a lovely person but I can’t help how jealous I get. I know I shouldn’t be jealous I have no right to be this insanely jealous because I was the one that clearly told him I’m in no position to be in a committed relationship.

I need a break from my own thoughts.

 

 

 

Netflix and Chill

 

Someone once said married people invented netflix and chill . Which is fine,when you’ve already  had countless dates and misunderstandings  on your record and sometimes just want to have down time with your spouse.

 

What I don’t understand is when I go on online dating profiles and actually hear men surprised that I don’t go that way with a complete stranger .

Okay,calm down die hard feminists reading this ,I’m not going to sit here and slut shame any female who agrees to netflix and chill fully knowing she’d be having sex with this man. Whatever makes you happy,do you .

My problem is that I cannot completely comprehend why the opposite sex hate on the fact that I prefer an actual movie and dinner date, where I can at least know your last name and where you’re from before we even think about that first kiss.

Maybe it’s  the age gap . Am I too old for this generation of people who sleep with each other for months before being an actual couple?